ChangeJune 9, 2019
I was stuck in traffic recently and “Whisper in Time” by Bad Religion started playing. I’ve loved this song since the first time I heard it, but today was different; it resonated with me in a way it hasn’t before. “Moments that just flicker and die” … what a line, it made me think about all the changes in my life recently. So much is different now: new places, new people & relationships. The things & people I thought would be there forever, well, many aren’t anymore. And there it is, nothing really lasts. We’re on this adventure and things are always changing whether we want them to or not; it’s all kind of temporary. Now that sounds kind of bleak and that’s not the direction I want to go. Change is important, comfort and familiarity can be dangerous if you fall too deep into them. Change can be scary, the whole diving into the unknown thing. Change is inevitable, but if we run towards it instead of away from it, maybe we can be less afraid of it.
There is some change that is beyond my control and I have come to terms with that for the most part. There are still times I get caught in vicious circles trying to process things that make no sense to me. It’s the curse of the overthinker I suppose. The bulk of the change I’ve experienced and I reckon all of us do is derived from the choices we make every day. Innocuous choices all the way up to massive gut-wrenching ones steer the course we end up on. As someone who makes well beyond their fair share of poor choices, when I look back I am overwhelmed by the mayhem that my choices have caused and the path of destruction they’ve left behind. Like the hell child of man-made and natural disasters copulating together in some horrible union that should have never been, that is where my mind wanders to and sits when left to its own devices.
I was talking to a friend about choices and consequences, and she expressed a wish to rewind and it made me think, would that be a good thing? Would I want to unravel and relive all the poor choices I’ve made? I don’t think so. I keep looking behind me and seeing the scorched earth they have caused, the unrest in my mind I struggle with trying to make sense of things I can’t change because they’ve already happened; becoming a poster boy for insanity. After a somewhat healthy amount of overthinking, I’ve concluded that rewinding would be the worst thing to do because then I wouldn’t be who I am right now. Plus I’ve spent too much time already looking in the wrong direction: looking back and cursing myself for what I’ve done has impeded me from looking forward at where my choices have brought me. Despite my poor life choices, or maybe in spite of them, I live a privileged life with riches I never imagined would be possible for an uneducated schlub. The power of negativity is startling: no matter how good things can be going it takes one little issue, one sideways comment taken the wrong way, or one misunderstanding to completely erase all the good things from my field of view. That little critic we all have suddenly bursts into an 8000-pound gorilla beating the shit out of my heart and mind.
It’s time to change, to stop looking backward and to stop feeding the critic. I am choosing to embrace myself the way I am and realize my choices were not poor, they were and are the choices I needed to make to be who I am right now. What’s that shitty line: you can’t make an omelet without cracking some eggs. I’ve cracked a fuck ton of eggs and I think this omelet is looking pretty good. No, wait, scratch that. I just thought of a Guttermouth song “Casserole of Life” and I like how they put it better. My life is my Casserole and I want to fill it with fun and things that make my life taste good. I love you, thank you for reading. I wish you the best of luck embracing change and the choices you make.